Skrev detta på FB för att ge alla där en chans att förstå vad som verkligen pågår med mig, så lägger in det här också, så att det är ännu enklare att förstå varför jag inte är så aktiv. Skrivet på engelska. Vill man inte höra om tunga saker så sluta läs nu!
Okay, I'm going to be brutally fucking honest, because right now, I don't give a fuck. If you don't want to know the real deal then don't read any further.
The truth is, when my ex broke up with me almost three years ago, I lost everything. I lost myself, I lost the person I thought I would marry, I lost my stepson whom I loved as if he was my own, and I lost purpose in life. I lost EVERYTHING. Where did I turn? To drinking. Because I didn't see the point in anything anymore. I had to move back home with my parents. I then found an apartment. In the same town where my parents live, and I hate it. I hate living here. I hate this town. I hate my life.
Right now, I feel like my life has absolutely no meaning. I'm a fat fucking pathetic depressed anxiety-ridden suicidal mess. I'm just walking around existing and I don't know how or why I'd even change that. What's the point?
There are only two things in life I want and dream about I cannot have, now or ever. I want to lose weight again, be back to feeling comfortable in my own skin and not feel disgusted by seeing myself in the mirror or hating shopping for clothes because who has size whale clothes anyway?
I also want to go back to Japan. I loved life there. I was healthy, I was happy, I was free, I was outgoing, I had so many friends, I never had a quiet moment, I found myself there. Who I've always been deep inside but could never find a way to let out. I felt so fucking proud of everything I did, of the friends I made and of the way I learned the language and actually was passionate about learning it.
And I will never have these things again. I'm doomed to live out my life in a town I hate, in a body that disgusts me, having no purpose, having no friends I can actually see face to face, having no reason to get out of bed aside from my cats (whom I love but don't deserve). I'm going to be stuck here until I grow old, get shipped into a elderly living facility, and then I'm going to die. Just as pathetic as I am now.
I get positivity and "oh things will change" shoved down my throat every single day and I don't want that anymore. It. Will. Not. Change. How could it? What do I even have to live for? I have fuck-all.
All I wanted was to get an education, get a job I loved, find someone who I loved and who loved me, settle down, have children, and feel comfortable with who I really am. I've lost ALL of that and I will never get it. And STOP saying "oh of course you will", no, I won't. That's quite clear at this point.
I've tried fucking everything. I've tried to get the mental health people to help me and they've let me down every. single. time. They've failed me completely, and I don't trust them anymore. I don't trust anyone.
Financially I'm fucked. Physically I'm fucked. Mentally I'm fucked. In all other ways I'm fucked.
My life is a joke, I am a joke, and I am so filled with self-hatred I cannot even begin to put words on it. I hate everything I am and everything I do. If I could just stop existing, be wiped out from the world, as if I'd never been here to begin with, I WOULD FUCKING DO IT!
There is no way of helping me anymore, I'm beyond all that bullshit. I can't love anyone, not even myself, and I can't accept anyone loving me. I let people take advantage of me, I let people walk all over me, I let people treat me like shit. Because that's all I feel I'm worth.
I have no self-confidence. No self-love. No self-esteem.
I'm so fucking tired of pretending that I'm even the slightest bit okay because I'm not. I'm broken beyond repair and I'm done pretending. I'm done smiling when on the inside I'm screaming.
Living in a life where you know you'll never have the few things you wish for hurts beyond words.
No one can help me anymore, and no one should, because I just fuck everything up. Fucking up my economy to a point where I'm in debt and will always be, fucking up my apartment to a point where I don't want to be in it. Fucking up my weight to a point where I'm appalled by myself and hate going outside or being seen by people.
I'm a disappointment to everyone, and I don't care how many times people say that's not true, because it is. I've failed everyone, disappointed everyone, fucked everyone else's lives up, and I'm done with that bullshit too.
I'm just going to fucking sit here and rot, because that's what the rest of my life will be. A life that is hell.